Here comes February, soon it will be March and we’ve booked a mini break to Budapest, yes, fuck it, got to have treats haven’t you? I’ve worked quite hard this year already what with the last minute panto understudy gig and Splash.

Have to say the oddest jobs that come totally out of the blue can be the most fun, despite having barely any rehearsal, I loved standing in for Jo Band at The New Wimbledon Theatre, I got to wear an ace outfit and a good particularly good Genie of the Ring hat – and I sang (sort of).

Splash had its ups and down, I did come a cropper during a training session just ten days before the telly record and really bashed my thighs.

But with tons of arnica plus a bit of make up on the night you could barely see the bruising. Anyway, when push came to shove, I went in headfirst from the 5 metre and I had a right old laugh and I didn’t embarrass myself – so good result all round, have to say, not having to go any further and do anything scarier was a bonus.

Now those two big jobs are done and dusted, its back to writing, I’ve got some re-writes on the Grumpy show to finish off this month and I need to complete the monologues for Radio 4. I also need to crack on with a fourth novel, oh dear.

Weirdly enough, whilst we are touring the UK with new Grumpy show ’50 Shades of Beige’ this Spring, it will simultaneously be touring New Zealand with a Kiwi cast! I’d love to be able to go and see this, but funds and my own gigging schedule wont allow. Still it’s nice to think of the brand having global appeal, since we first put Grumpy 1 on the road almost ten years ago, the shows have appeared all over the place from the West End to Oz, Finland, Ireland, Iceland and now New Zealand. What’s uncanny about the kiwi casting is how they’ve managed to find someone who looks spookily like me!

Anyway, back to basics – you’ll be pleased to hear that I have learnt to moss stitch – yes more blankets are on their way.

I can also rib stitch and I am going to learn to do more fancy things and you will all be AMAZED!

In other creative and cultural news, I finished Capital by John Lanchester and really enjoyed it, I am now utterly in love with Donna Tartt’s ‘The Goldfinch’, – when this woman writes, she really writes, its incredibly easy to read but so brilliantly dense with language and pictures, I cant tell you how impressed I am… So far!

Theatre wise saw Mojo at the Harold pinter, I enjoyed it but its been overhyped and the cast was uneven with Daniel Mayes and Ben Wishaw acting most of the others off the stage. Consequently there was a lack of menace, Rupert Grint also sounded like his voice was hanging by a thread – mind you he’d already done a matinee that day and its quite a shouty part – so all sympathies, I am vocally paranoid when I’m gigging and I use a mic. Supper at Byron after – always nice but they’d run out of coleslaw!!!!!!!! I know, get me, the ‘slaw diva.

More exciting to watch for me personally was the daughter’s latest work in progress which previewed as part of theatre 503’s Futures night. Basically four young playwrights that the theatre are keeping an eye on, got to showcase some new writing and it was all pretty impressive stuff. Phoebe’s latest play to be is called ‘Wink’ and she, her director, movement director and actors did such a knock out job that I didn’t know whether to cry, laugh or cheer, so I kind of did all three and felt like I might choke with pride.

Art wise, we’ve seen the Jake and Dinos Chapman at the Sackler, which is barmy and shocking and not for little kids, but very much for teenagers, as its both distressing and hilarious in turn.

Less well reviewed (The Times hated it) is Martin Creed’s show at The Hayward, now most of this (apart from the pooing and puking vids) is very family friendly and lots of people were grinning as they made their way round swinging neon signs, a room of balloons and a remote control car (on the roof). I found lots in it to make me smile, but is he an artist? Not really, but he’s entertaining and there are many worse ways of spending a sunny Sunday afternoon than mooching around the Southbank.

Ok blogsters, that’s your lot for this month, laters…

Don’t forget to check the Grumpy website to see if your town is due a visit www.grumpyoldwomenlive.com.

Yes, well here we are New Year and all that and no, I have made no resolutions, I just want to have a better time, I don’t want to worry as much, I want to enjoy the good bits and learn to roll with the shit – I want to be better at relaxing, I’ve learnt recently that I like knitting and when I paint my blood pressure drops. Shame I am rubbish at both knitting and painting – though the blanket I knitted for my Dad for Xmas, with ‘some’ help from other (mostly) female family members, turned out to be triumphant.

Xmas was good, I wrote a two min nativity story for the radio 4 comedy advent to get me in the mood and finally came to the conclusion that while I love Xmas, I get very neurotic over New Year, all that anxiety of what is to come, is this the year it all goes wrong – etc etc. I avoid New Year celebrations by getting into my pajamas asap and spending the night in front of the fire eating steak and drinking wine with the old man.

I should of course be trying to lose weight this New Year but seriously cant be arsed, this is bad news considering that I’m doing Splash series 2 and by the end of the month will be diving off a ‘yet to be decided’ board in a swimming costume. Basically if the view offends, shut your eyes, training has been pretty hard core and there have been days when I’ve tried to wriggle out of it

I’ve already pulled my arm out of its socket and bruised my thighs and I’ve barely done anything more exciting than dropped off the side of the pool headfirst.
I also got a last minute call to panto and shall be taking over Jo Brand’s genie pants for four shows while she does her Splash judging duties. I will have had precisely two rehearsals before I give Wimbledon Theatre my genie of the ring! Not sure which is scarier, the diving or the panto – I shall keep you posted.

Since we finished the try out Grumpy tour – and yes we will be doing the full run in Spring Summer 2014 I’m v pleased to say – I’ve had some time to see some shows, read books and watch DVD’s, film wise may I recommend The Women (the original only) and Darling starring Julie Christie (1965), shame Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby (which I finally got round to watching) was more crushingly mediocre than great.

Art wise I’ve seen the Taylor Wessing portrait prize at the portrait gallery – always reliable and an annual day time New Years Eve treat for me and my mate Julie Balloo and had a brilliant mooch on New Years Day round the V and A whilst it utterly pissed down outside.

As for theatre, apart from seeing Ms P’s latest gem for Theatre 503’s rapid response night, ‘Glass Hands’ (another beautifully written clever, sad, twisted 15 min tale), we managed to get the pre Xmas hot ticket for the Royal courts ‘Let The Right One In’ which I’m betting will transfer – complete with some stunning visuals including a brilliant underwater scene. I also completely jumped out of my skin (along with the rest of the audience) about half way through – there is something great about a whole audience shrieking as one.

Also saw two shows directed by Owen Lewis – our Grumpy director who suddenly found himself with two hit West End shows in town at the same time. Eric and Ernie at The Vaudeville – made me really laugh and really cry, while Sugg’s one man show at the Garrick blew me away – Suggs has stage likeability in spades and it was really nice to be in a non normal west end audience having a complete hoot.

Book wise, I’m still wading through Capital by John Lanchester which I’m beginning to realize will not come together and will disappoint me – despite loving the writing. Donna Tart’s ‘Goldfinch’ next.

I’m also nipping North a lot to see my Mum and Dad at the moment, anyone who has ageing parents will know how this feels – fortunately there are still lots of laughs and its not all doom and gloom, just a bit of a reminder that you cant be young forever.

Happy 2014

I know, where have I been? I’ve been busy, that’s where I’ve been, mostly in a rehearsal room in Kennington, big up to the deli ‘Sally White’s’ on Kennington Rd btw for providing much needed victuals in an area that is otherwise a gastronomic desert.
Thanks too, to the police for providing us with the spectacle of a drugs raid complete with guns and dogs on the block of flats over the road, South London you never let me down.

Rehearsal rooms are strange places, mostly in peculiar locations, this one was a big old youth club/ gym – where not only we Grumpies were being put through our paces, but other productions were doing their thing too, The RSC were rehearsing ‘Peter and Wendy’ in a room upstairs and the ‘Strangers on A Train’ cast were seen loitering down the corridors, including my lovely friend Imogen Stubbs – and the dishy Laurence Fox (causing a bit of a stir).

Getting a Grumpy show on the road is no small potatoes, if we didn’t have a director in the shape of a Saint on earth (Owen Lewis), we ladies would have torn our hair out and run to the hills by now, massive credit too, to the designer Susannah Henry, who is quite simply, a genius.

This third show of the Grumpy trilogy has more visuals than most audiences expect, if you’ve never seen a Grumpy show before, rest assured, it’s not three women talking on chairs, there is quite a lot of action and – may I say, some stunts.

Anyway, it’s been all consuming and so a relief to get it onto the road, this 9 date try out tour is a test run for next year, thanks to this dummy run, Judith
(my co-writer) and I can get a really good idea about what works and where to cut. At the moment we are fifteen minutes overlong, which gives us the luxury of getting rid of any flab.

When I was younger, I used to hate editing stuff, but I’m really looking forward to giving this show the final polish for next year’s tour. It’s like a good pair of shoes, it deserves some spit and a good rub!

Talking shoes, yes, I did buy some leopard print slippers, (Pretty Ballerina), I also bought a bright orange cardigan (Cos), but apart from that, the hotels we have been staying at whilst on tour have been miles away from the shops so I have spared myself a gigging spree – which is no bad thing.

Have to say only the Hallmark Hotel in Bournemouth has been worthy of any decent word of mouth, kind staff-edible food, whereas a recent Hilton stank of old piss. As I write, I’m in a hotel in Aldershot which despite charging £140 for a double room does not do lattes – forgive me if I’m sounding like a bit of a twatte but I just can’t believe how gruesome and expensive these places can be.

Culture wise I have squeezed in a visit to the new Zaha Hadid designed Sackler gallery – where I enjoyed Adrian Rojas’s work (see elephant photo).
Seen the film The Selfish Giant, excellent but bleak, and hugely enjoyed my first trip to the Park Theatre a spit away from Finsbury Park, where I saw the rather wonderful ‘Adult Supervision’, which had a knock out cast, some great writing and lovely direction. I also saw the Gala performance of One Man Two Guvnors – starring my little panto pal Kellie Shirley, who was on fire that night – and a delight to watch – we had posh drinks after in a v dark night club where I kept losing my handbag!

I also attended Nicolas Parsons’ 90th birthday, a celebration that was so lovely it made me cry!
Mind you I cried at Jolene and Kenton’s wedding on the Archers the other week, so fuck knows what’s wrong with me.
Anyway must trot, I am going for a swim – time to tackle the fatness

Laters……

Hello Autumn, should I buy some of those new slipper shoes that are in all the magazines, or shall I just wear my old indoor slippers and never bother going out again?

As I write, the sun is shining and it looks like one of those days you could take a little bouncy dachshund for a walk – but as I have no dog, I don’t need to bother, I can just sit here writing -getting fatter and fatter.

Projects on the go include Grumpy 3 – Fifty Shades of Beige, which has a try out run in November (see website for details) and a series of fifteen minute shorts for Radio 4 – all set in real time, a commission that gives me great joy – having struggled this year to get something off the ground with R4 – I’m really glad they’ve gone for this.

Talking about struggling, I was booked recently (by a v dear family member) to do a talk for the 6th form of a v nice school (no names) – during which I managed to let myself down by balling out a boy who seemed to be yawning in my face. I could never ever be a teacher, not without punching or pinching or telling them to fuck off (which I think I might have done) hey ho.
Would have been better off staying in the Balearics, me and the old man had a wonderful four night trip to Palma, staying in the lovely Hotel Cort (warning – brochure says pool, there is no pool – just a little freezing plunge jobbie on the roof). We saw art and ate and slept in a massive bed and showered in a wet room with the loveliest tiles.

Palma is massively under-rated, go there and make sure you op down the road for lunch in Portoxil, you will thank me, it was the old man’s 65th birthday treat. I also showered him with goodies (inc sourcing a Goodwood Revival ticket via Twitter) plus I took him to se ‘Rush’ the racing driver film – which has two great lead performances and managed to keep both of us gripped – so well done to that little ginger fellow Ron Howard (who used to be in Happy Days) who directed it.

Other cultural highlights this month have included..

- ‘Peckham The Soap Opera’ at The Royal Court – messy (in a good way), massive hearted local theatre transfer from The Bussey Building down the road in Peckham to the Royal Court’s studio.

- Lots of Miro in Palma!

- And on the book front – the disappointing ‘The Silent Wife’ and currently ‘Beautiful Ruins’ by Jess Walters which I’m really enjoying, and to complete my Elizabeth Taylor binge (not that one) I have downloaded a collection of her short stories.

- iPad film rentals for train trips recently have included Gaslight and Angel At My Table – both quite marvellous in v different ways – and made the journey to Newcastle and back pass in minutes.

- Telly wise, the only thing making me laugh out loud is The Great British Bake Off, the one with the pies and tarts had me hooting – kitchen disasters are so much funnier than kitchen triumphs – and this episode proved for once and for all that there is something intrinsically funny about the custard pie! Marvellous.

Bye-bye Edinburgh Festival 2013, it was nice. Actually it was more than nice, I had a ball, apart from a few wobbles and paranoid sweats, it was probably the most mentally together I have ever been at the festival.

Blame it on knowing the show really well, blame it on Karen Koren of The Gilded Balloon taking it upon herself to look after me and put me up in a swanky flat – but really, apart from a couple of nights when I felt I needed to reach down the audiences throats for the laughs, I had a really great time.

Now when I say swanky flat, I mean a massive, two bedroomed great big fuck off apartment, which was so big I got tired walking to the toilet in the middle of the night. Fortunately my bedroom had a free standing bath, so I could always wee in that (I didn’t).

Anyway, here are some photos to make you go green with jealousy, marvel at the height of those ceilings, the sparkle on that chandelier – etc, etc. – imagine weeing in that bath.

Of course, the flat didn’t look that pristine all the time, when Phoebe and her mates came up for four nights it looked like a hostel.

So 16 gigs at The Gilded Balloon,in the Debating Hall, a room that managed to be both massive and sauna-esque. I had three tricky gigs, but only one audience I’d have happily poisoned. There is a showbiz myth that there is no such thing as a bad audience – there is.

One night, in front of a particularly tough front row, I realized I could never be a teacher in a tricky secondary school, the thought of going out every day and seeing the same unresponsive faces would have me coming round from behind the desk and throwing punches, screaming, ‘you can fuck off and you can fuck off’. As I say there was only one audience during the entire run that I could happily have punched in the face. The rest were dreamy.

I was also v lucky with my dressing room flatmates, the Ukulele orchestra of Wellington New Zealand, all twelve of them were glorious and arrived every night in a mish mash of massive silver false eyelashes and home made onesies – some people just add joy to these occasions and this lot were magnificent.

So every night, like everyone else I plied my trade, if you’ve never experienced Edinburgh before, it can be a bit of a mind fuck – the choice of shows is bewildering, the City is built on hills, its easy to fall over on cobbles and these are the lessons that have to be leant afresh every year.

This year I also learnt in the years that I’ve been away or just passing through, Edinburgh has become a foodie city, so many great places to eat, so much fantastic smoked salmon. During the festival the spaces between venues are studded with pop up noodle bars and airstream burger bars – oh yummy, yummy, mc yummy- I have never left Edinburgh so fat.

I could have swum off my pad thais and my burger stacks, in the Bannantynes pool next to my flat – but I went precisely twice and the second time I went I managed to get into a fight with an aqua aerobics fanatic. This got so ugly that when she later asked my friend Judith if I was Jenny Éclair, Judith denied me, she said ‘No’.

Best place to eat this year I reckon is The Outsider on North bridge – just wonderful- there is a table upstairs that more or less overlooks the Tattoo fireworks.

What a stunning city Edinburgh is and during the show time that is August, the place becomes one of the wonders of the world.

Talking shows, I managed to see at least one a day and my top three were

Gecko’s ‘Missing’ at The Pleasance

Louisa Omielan’s “What Would Beyonce Do?’

And Told By An Idiot’s ‘I Could Have Done Better’

I also loved the writing of Ben Moor’s ‘Each of Us’, the quirky oddness of the show in a shed that was ‘Gardening for the Unenlightened and Uninitiated’ and the beautifully lit masterful monologue, ‘Ciarra’ at The Traverse.

To be honest, I saw no real rubbish and even if a couple of things didn’t touch my particular taste buds, they all had something – apart from the Peter Doig at the National Gallery which I thought was awful.

My favourite art show (bar the Man Ray at the portrait gallery) was an installation in a watch tower in the middle of a Burial ground entitled ‘Daughters of Decayed Tradesmen’ it featured the punch cards from old weaving machines.

As you can see I didn’t go and watch much comedy, I don’t think getting jealous of other people’s stuff is healthy, but I did have dinner with Caroline Rhea – who used to play the Aunt in Sabrina the Teenage Witch – and she made me laugh a lot.

As did the two stand ups whose shows I did go and see, Bridget Christie and John Robins.

I wasn’t avoiding stand up shows, I just know all the good comedy shows will be coming to The Soho Theatre over the next few months – anyway the streets were full of old stand up faces and it was genuinely nice to bump into so many old mates and meet some new faces. I did a number of comedy podcasts over the run, Richard Herring’s, an Amnesty gig hosted by Ed Byrne and a lunchtime chat show by Mark Olver, all old chums that it was a pleasure to do business with.

I’d never really bothered downloading any podcasts before but I found that when I was by myself in the vast flat, Richard Herring’s podcast recorded daily at the Stand was the digital equivalent of having a cat, very comforting indeed!

Anyway, last bit of Edinburgh goss, I recorded a fifteen min comedy short for BBC radio 4 – which airs this Friday 23r August and is then available on iPlayer

Enjoy

Cheers, over and out