Yes, I know, I’ve not updated this for ages, but I didn’t seem to be doing anything particularly exciting, unless you count the addition of the ‘foam roller’ into my pilates class, so I decided not to bother you with just piffle and waffle.

Anyway its been over six weeks and finally I’ve got exciting tales -

I did my Splash heat and came second to bottom, which was a relief as it meant I didn’t have to dive again – but I made an ok job of my pike dive from the 5 metre board and nothing fell out on the way down which was the main thing.

Since then I’ve been back on the road with my rolling stand up show ‘Eclairious’, I cant tell you how much I enjoyed packing the old tour bag again, me and my tour manager Chris George hit the road for three days and I did a venue I’d not done before – a rarity after thirty odd years of gigging. This was in Barnard Castle, where once upon a time back in the 60’s my army Dad was based – so I ended up in school there (for less than a year), it was a really tough school on Catterick Camp, full of rock hard squaddies kids, and me and my sister had come in from a mega progressive international school in Berlin, where we had napkins on the dinner tables, so it was all rather a shock and probably didn’t do us any harm, but I fucking hated it. So it was lovely to be back in Barney and find that the place is really rather idyllic and full of nice places to eat and drink, I think maybe the school was knocked down, I hope so.

The girl turned 25 in Feb – which is kind of unbelievable especially as I have a photograph of her opening her presents and she could easily pass for twelve. Anyway we went out for a really nice meal and no one said the wrong thing and it was lovely and I’m so pleased for her because she’s signed with a really good literary agent, and her script writing work is going from strength to strength even though she has to juggle it on top of a proper full time job and anyway it’s a relief when your children find their niche but I’ll stop banging on about it, before I jinx anything. In some respects I wish she wanted to be in any other business but deep down I’m gladder than anything.

Anyway, I had a birthday too, but before that – me and the old man went on the Emirates cable car across the river and it’s mega lols – I promise, it’s a real hoot and has just enough James Bond about it, to make it a little bit thrilling.

So I turned 54 – which really is no big deal as birthdays go – but by coincidence we’d booked to go to Budapest for three nights on the day after – so it seemed like an extra birthday treat – which I didn’t really need as I got lots of lovely presents including a bottle of hugely expensive Frederic Malle perfume, Portrait of a Lady – (which obv, I’m not..) a scent I had been craving since I smelt it on another woman’s neck, months ago.

So anyway BUDAPEST – its quite mad – couple of hours flying time from Heathrow – all v easy and the city nice and close to their airport – so we’d arrived by lunch time – starving obv. Anyway, we’d booked into this fabulous place in an old Hungarian mansion, all peeling plaster, massive marble staircases and dilapidated grandeur, but it was a B and B, so no lunch or dinner. Brody House has only eight rooms, its glorious, but don’t expect frills like room service etc. Anyway we trotted off to the food market in search of sustenance but all the locals were shoving pike and grubby looking sausages into their faces and Ive never craved a Pret so much in my life – so we turned tail and flagged a rip off cab to one of the oldest café’s in town. The New York Café is all gold and chandaliers and bending over waiters – well here’s a photo.

The food was ok, but nothing to take an Instagram of, however the café is in all the guide books, so that was one sight ticked off, Im a bit competitive when it comes to ticking off sights.

Next we headed for the Gellert Hotel where there is the most amazing baths complex. Budapest is famous for its thermal springs and I’d have dived right in had I got my costume (and hat, they’re v keen on covering your hair in the public pools) so decided to do swimming thing the next day.

Anyway pop into the Gellert whether you want to swim or not, because its like a massive whack around the head back in time.

Instead of swimming, we climbed Gellert hill and popped into a church set into some rocks and got brave with trams then flopped back into Brody House where our room which cost a £100 per night inc breakfast for two – looked like this

Most cool of cools, the bed was vast, the duvet giant sized, it was a struggle to leave it and go out for dinner.

But obv we are very greedy so we took a booked cab – which is the only way to not get robbed blind by the cab drivers up to the magical castle district. I can’t tell you how stunning this area is, you can take a bus, or a cab or a funicular up to it and just wander around going ‘Ooh, look!’ And taking photos.

Couple of restaurant recommendations for you up there, are Pierrot and Restaurant 21.

Now just a word of warning about Hungarian food, its days since we got back and I’m still full, its exceptionally rich and heavy, expect a lot of pork, duck and sausage, I have no idea what a vegetarian would do, though I did have quite a nice beetroot risotto one night, just to take a break from the meat. Even though we walked the entire city and I swam outdoors in the Szechenyi thermal complex – which was utterly glorious, we both came back with massive meat guts.

The swimming was glorious, I am a huge fan of being able to swim outdoors in March in warm water, google these baths, they are mind blowing and right next door to the zoo, which we didn’t visit but we did admire the entrance – look at the polar bears.

While I swam Geof saw some art, next time I will tackle the museums and galleries, because I will go back, it’s a fascinating place, half Austrian/Hungarian Empire foll di roll and half Eastern Bloc grey concrete ugliness – the metro system is simple and you can buy a daily travel card which covers all forms of transport – in the three days we were there we used the metro, tram, bus and cog wheel train – so really useful. What Budapest has not got however, is decent shopping, this is a horrible thing to say but fashion and clothes aren’t v high on their agenda, they are a very conservatively dressed people and some of them are fantastically rude, which is obviously hilarious for me, because I’m good in a rude off.

Seriously the people were either utterly charming or a bit devious and sly! I’ve never been so ripped off in a cab in my entire life, but it was worth it – if you want a more fancy pants hotel poss try the Gresham Palace – where we flopped out on the sofas and lowered the tone for an hour with a cup of afternoon tea and don’t forget to have a drink in a ruin bar which are dotted around the city, we found two

Anyway, its great, the weather was lovely and apparently it gets really hot in the summer – and lastly and don’t tell anyone, it’s a lot cheaper than most European cities, like about a third less.

Ok that’s your lot, ive got jobs to do, and knitting to knit and stuff – laters…..

SINCE LAST TIME I HAVE
READ – The Goldfinch by Donna Tart which I utterly loved and The Tell Tale Heart by Jill Dawson which isn’t on the same massive scale, but is nonetheless a really lovely read, which takes you in all sorts of unexpected directions whilst remaining quite simple – a much cleverer book than I first thought.

SEEN – The Cement Garden at The Waterloo Vaults, easily one of London’s grooviest theatrical venues – keep your eye out for anything they stage down in this tunnel – it’s a great night out and I really liked the production though Chris George thought it overlong but that is poss because we were sitting on benches with pillows tied round them!
The Hockney at Dulwich picture gallery, just lovely and life affirming – basically a knock out show. Also popped into the Serpentine where the latest exhib is not worth mentioning so I wont, but I will give a shout out to the Martin Creed at The Haywood which is enormous fun.

Here comes February, soon it will be March and we’ve booked a mini break to Budapest, yes, fuck it, got to have treats haven’t you? I’ve worked quite hard this year already what with the last minute panto understudy gig and Splash.

Have to say the oddest jobs that come totally out of the blue can be the most fun, despite having barely any rehearsal, I loved standing in for Jo Band at The New Wimbledon Theatre, I got to wear an ace outfit and a good particularly good Genie of the Ring hat – and I sang (sort of).

Splash had its ups and down, I did come a cropper during a training session just ten days before the telly record and really bashed my thighs.

But with tons of arnica plus a bit of make up on the night you could barely see the bruising. Anyway, when push came to shove, I went in headfirst from the 5 metre and I had a right old laugh and I didn’t embarrass myself – so good result all round, have to say, not having to go any further and do anything scarier was a bonus.

Now those two big jobs are done and dusted, its back to writing, I’ve got some re-writes on the Grumpy show to finish off this month and I need to complete the monologues for Radio 4. I also need to crack on with a fourth novel, oh dear.

Weirdly enough, whilst we are touring the UK with new Grumpy show ’50 Shades of Beige’ this Spring, it will simultaneously be touring New Zealand with a Kiwi cast! I’d love to be able to go and see this, but funds and my own gigging schedule wont allow. Still it’s nice to think of the brand having global appeal, since we first put Grumpy 1 on the road almost ten years ago, the shows have appeared all over the place from the West End to Oz, Finland, Ireland, Iceland and now New Zealand. What’s uncanny about the kiwi casting is how they’ve managed to find someone who looks spookily like me!

Anyway, back to basics – you’ll be pleased to hear that I have learnt to moss stitch – yes more blankets are on their way.

I can also rib stitch and I am going to learn to do more fancy things and you will all be AMAZED!

In other creative and cultural news, I finished Capital by John Lanchester and really enjoyed it, I am now utterly in love with Donna Tartt’s ‘The Goldfinch’, – when this woman writes, she really writes, its incredibly easy to read but so brilliantly dense with language and pictures, I cant tell you how impressed I am… So far!

Theatre wise saw Mojo at the Harold pinter, I enjoyed it but its been overhyped and the cast was uneven with Daniel Mayes and Ben Wishaw acting most of the others off the stage. Consequently there was a lack of menace, Rupert Grint also sounded like his voice was hanging by a thread – mind you he’d already done a matinee that day and its quite a shouty part – so all sympathies, I am vocally paranoid when I’m gigging and I use a mic. Supper at Byron after – always nice but they’d run out of coleslaw!!!!!!!! I know, get me, the ‘slaw diva.

More exciting to watch for me personally was the daughter’s latest work in progress which previewed as part of theatre 503’s Futures night. Basically four young playwrights that the theatre are keeping an eye on, got to showcase some new writing and it was all pretty impressive stuff. Phoebe’s latest play to be is called ‘Wink’ and she, her director, movement director and actors did such a knock out job that I didn’t know whether to cry, laugh or cheer, so I kind of did all three and felt like I might choke with pride.

Art wise, we’ve seen the Jake and Dinos Chapman at the Sackler, which is barmy and shocking and not for little kids, but very much for teenagers, as its both distressing and hilarious in turn.

Less well reviewed (The Times hated it) is Martin Creed’s show at The Hayward, now most of this (apart from the pooing and puking vids) is very family friendly and lots of people were grinning as they made their way round swinging neon signs, a room of balloons and a remote control car (on the roof). I found lots in it to make me smile, but is he an artist? Not really, but he’s entertaining and there are many worse ways of spending a sunny Sunday afternoon than mooching around the Southbank.

Ok blogsters, that’s your lot for this month, laters…

Don’t forget to check the Grumpy website to see if your town is due a visit www.grumpyoldwomenlive.com.

Yes, well here we are New Year and all that and no, I have made no resolutions, I just want to have a better time, I don’t want to worry as much, I want to enjoy the good bits and learn to roll with the shit – I want to be better at relaxing, I’ve learnt recently that I like knitting and when I paint my blood pressure drops. Shame I am rubbish at both knitting and painting – though the blanket I knitted for my Dad for Xmas, with ‘some’ help from other (mostly) female family members, turned out to be triumphant.

Xmas was good, I wrote a two min nativity story for the radio 4 comedy advent to get me in the mood and finally came to the conclusion that while I love Xmas, I get very neurotic over New Year, all that anxiety of what is to come, is this the year it all goes wrong – etc etc. I avoid New Year celebrations by getting into my pajamas asap and spending the night in front of the fire eating steak and drinking wine with the old man.

I should of course be trying to lose weight this New Year but seriously cant be arsed, this is bad news considering that I’m doing Splash series 2 and by the end of the month will be diving off a ‘yet to be decided’ board in a swimming costume. Basically if the view offends, shut your eyes, training has been pretty hard core and there have been days when I’ve tried to wriggle out of it

I’ve already pulled my arm out of its socket and bruised my thighs and I’ve barely done anything more exciting than dropped off the side of the pool headfirst.
I also got a last minute call to panto and shall be taking over Jo Brand’s genie pants for four shows while she does her Splash judging duties. I will have had precisely two rehearsals before I give Wimbledon Theatre my genie of the ring! Not sure which is scarier, the diving or the panto – I shall keep you posted.

Since we finished the try out Grumpy tour – and yes we will be doing the full run in Spring Summer 2014 I’m v pleased to say – I’ve had some time to see some shows, read books and watch DVD’s, film wise may I recommend The Women (the original only) and Darling starring Julie Christie (1965), shame Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby (which I finally got round to watching) was more crushingly mediocre than great.

Art wise I’ve seen the Taylor Wessing portrait prize at the portrait gallery – always reliable and an annual day time New Years Eve treat for me and my mate Julie Balloo and had a brilliant mooch on New Years Day round the V and A whilst it utterly pissed down outside.

As for theatre, apart from seeing Ms P’s latest gem for Theatre 503’s rapid response night, ‘Glass Hands’ (another beautifully written clever, sad, twisted 15 min tale), we managed to get the pre Xmas hot ticket for the Royal courts ‘Let The Right One In’ which I’m betting will transfer – complete with some stunning visuals including a brilliant underwater scene. I also completely jumped out of my skin (along with the rest of the audience) about half way through – there is something great about a whole audience shrieking as one.

Also saw two shows directed by Owen Lewis – our Grumpy director who suddenly found himself with two hit West End shows in town at the same time. Eric and Ernie at The Vaudeville – made me really laugh and really cry, while Sugg’s one man show at the Garrick blew me away – Suggs has stage likeability in spades and it was really nice to be in a non normal west end audience having a complete hoot.

Book wise, I’m still wading through Capital by John Lanchester which I’m beginning to realize will not come together and will disappoint me – despite loving the writing. Donna Tart’s ‘Goldfinch’ next.

I’m also nipping North a lot to see my Mum and Dad at the moment, anyone who has ageing parents will know how this feels – fortunately there are still lots of laughs and its not all doom and gloom, just a bit of a reminder that you cant be young forever.

Happy 2014

I know, where have I been? I’ve been busy, that’s where I’ve been, mostly in a rehearsal room in Kennington, big up to the deli ‘Sally White’s’ on Kennington Rd btw for providing much needed victuals in an area that is otherwise a gastronomic desert.
Thanks too, to the police for providing us with the spectacle of a drugs raid complete with guns and dogs on the block of flats over the road, South London you never let me down.

Rehearsal rooms are strange places, mostly in peculiar locations, this one was a big old youth club/ gym – where not only we Grumpies were being put through our paces, but other productions were doing their thing too, The RSC were rehearsing ‘Peter and Wendy’ in a room upstairs and the ‘Strangers on A Train’ cast were seen loitering down the corridors, including my lovely friend Imogen Stubbs – and the dishy Laurence Fox (causing a bit of a stir).

Getting a Grumpy show on the road is no small potatoes, if we didn’t have a director in the shape of a Saint on earth (Owen Lewis), we ladies would have torn our hair out and run to the hills by now, massive credit too, to the designer Susannah Henry, who is quite simply, a genius.

This third show of the Grumpy trilogy has more visuals than most audiences expect, if you’ve never seen a Grumpy show before, rest assured, it’s not three women talking on chairs, there is quite a lot of action and – may I say, some stunts.

Anyway, it’s been all consuming and so a relief to get it onto the road, this 9 date try out tour is a test run for next year, thanks to this dummy run, Judith
(my co-writer) and I can get a really good idea about what works and where to cut. At the moment we are fifteen minutes overlong, which gives us the luxury of getting rid of any flab.

When I was younger, I used to hate editing stuff, but I’m really looking forward to giving this show the final polish for next year’s tour. It’s like a good pair of shoes, it deserves some spit and a good rub!

Talking shoes, yes, I did buy some leopard print slippers, (Pretty Ballerina), I also bought a bright orange cardigan (Cos), but apart from that, the hotels we have been staying at whilst on tour have been miles away from the shops so I have spared myself a gigging spree – which is no bad thing.

Have to say only the Hallmark Hotel in Bournemouth has been worthy of any decent word of mouth, kind staff-edible food, whereas a recent Hilton stank of old piss. As I write, I’m in a hotel in Aldershot which despite charging £140 for a double room does not do lattes – forgive me if I’m sounding like a bit of a twatte but I just can’t believe how gruesome and expensive these places can be.

Culture wise I have squeezed in a visit to the new Zaha Hadid designed Sackler gallery – where I enjoyed Adrian Rojas’s work (see elephant photo).
Seen the film The Selfish Giant, excellent but bleak, and hugely enjoyed my first trip to the Park Theatre a spit away from Finsbury Park, where I saw the rather wonderful ‘Adult Supervision’, which had a knock out cast, some great writing and lovely direction. I also saw the Gala performance of One Man Two Guvnors – starring my little panto pal Kellie Shirley, who was on fire that night – and a delight to watch – we had posh drinks after in a v dark night club where I kept losing my handbag!

I also attended Nicolas Parsons’ 90th birthday, a celebration that was so lovely it made me cry!
Mind you I cried at Jolene and Kenton’s wedding on the Archers the other week, so fuck knows what’s wrong with me.
Anyway must trot, I am going for a swim – time to tackle the fatness

Laters……

Hello Autumn, should I buy some of those new slipper shoes that are in all the magazines, or shall I just wear my old indoor slippers and never bother going out again?

As I write, the sun is shining and it looks like one of those days you could take a little bouncy dachshund for a walk – but as I have no dog, I don’t need to bother, I can just sit here writing -getting fatter and fatter.

Projects on the go include Grumpy 3 – Fifty Shades of Beige, which has a try out run in November (see website for details) and a series of fifteen minute shorts for Radio 4 – all set in real time, a commission that gives me great joy – having struggled this year to get something off the ground with R4 – I’m really glad they’ve gone for this.

Talking about struggling, I was booked recently (by a v dear family member) to do a talk for the 6th form of a v nice school (no names) – during which I managed to let myself down by balling out a boy who seemed to be yawning in my face. I could never ever be a teacher, not without punching or pinching or telling them to fuck off (which I think I might have done) hey ho.
Would have been better off staying in the Balearics, me and the old man had a wonderful four night trip to Palma, staying in the lovely Hotel Cort (warning – brochure says pool, there is no pool – just a little freezing plunge jobbie on the roof). We saw art and ate and slept in a massive bed and showered in a wet room with the loveliest tiles.

Palma is massively under-rated, go there and make sure you op down the road for lunch in Portoxil, you will thank me, it was the old man’s 65th birthday treat. I also showered him with goodies (inc sourcing a Goodwood Revival ticket via Twitter) plus I took him to se ‘Rush’ the racing driver film – which has two great lead performances and managed to keep both of us gripped – so well done to that little ginger fellow Ron Howard (who used to be in Happy Days) who directed it.

Other cultural highlights this month have included..

- ‘Peckham The Soap Opera’ at The Royal Court – messy (in a good way), massive hearted local theatre transfer from The Bussey Building down the road in Peckham to the Royal Court’s studio.

- Lots of Miro in Palma!

- And on the book front – the disappointing ‘The Silent Wife’ and currently ‘Beautiful Ruins’ by Jess Walters which I’m really enjoying, and to complete my Elizabeth Taylor binge (not that one) I have downloaded a collection of her short stories.

- iPad film rentals for train trips recently have included Gaslight and Angel At My Table – both quite marvellous in v different ways – and made the journey to Newcastle and back pass in minutes.

- Telly wise, the only thing making me laugh out loud is The Great British Bake Off, the one with the pies and tarts had me hooting – kitchen disasters are so much funnier than kitchen triumphs – and this episode proved for once and for all that there is something intrinsically funny about the custard pie! Marvellous.