I know, where have I been? I’ve been busy, that’s where I’ve been, mostly in a rehearsal room in Kennington, big up to the deli ‘Sally White’s’ on Kennington Rd btw for providing much needed victuals in an area that is otherwise a gastronomic desert.
Thanks too, to the police for providing us with the spectacle of a drugs raid complete with guns and dogs on the block of flats over the road, South London you never let me down.

Rehearsal rooms are strange places, mostly in peculiar locations, this one was a big old youth club/ gym – where not only we Grumpies were being put through our paces, but other productions were doing their thing too, The RSC were rehearsing ‘Peter and Wendy’ in a room upstairs and the ‘Strangers on A Train’ cast were seen loitering down the corridors, including my lovely friend Imogen Stubbs – and the dishy Laurence Fox (causing a bit of a stir).

Getting a Grumpy show on the road is no small potatoes, if we didn’t have a director in the shape of a Saint on earth (Owen Lewis), we ladies would have torn our hair out and run to the hills by now, massive credit too, to the designer Susannah Henry, who is quite simply, a genius.

This third show of the Grumpy trilogy has more visuals than most audiences expect, if you’ve never seen a Grumpy show before, rest assured, it’s not three women talking on chairs, there is quite a lot of action and – may I say, some stunts.

Anyway, it’s been all consuming and so a relief to get it onto the road, this 9 date try out tour is a test run for next year, thanks to this dummy run, Judith
(my co-writer) and I can get a really good idea about what works and where to cut. At the moment we are fifteen minutes overlong, which gives us the luxury of getting rid of any flab.

When I was younger, I used to hate editing stuff, but I’m really looking forward to giving this show the final polish for next year’s tour. It’s like a good pair of shoes, it deserves some spit and a good rub!

Talking shoes, yes, I did buy some leopard print slippers, (Pretty Ballerina), I also bought a bright orange cardigan (Cos), but apart from that, the hotels we have been staying at whilst on tour have been miles away from the shops so I have spared myself a gigging spree – which is no bad thing.

Have to say only the Hallmark Hotel in Bournemouth has been worthy of any decent word of mouth, kind staff-edible food, whereas a recent Hilton stank of old piss. As I write, I’m in a hotel in Aldershot which despite charging £140 for a double room does not do lattes – forgive me if I’m sounding like a bit of a twatte but I just can’t believe how gruesome and expensive these places can be.

Culture wise I have squeezed in a visit to the new Zaha Hadid designed Sackler gallery – where I enjoyed Adrian Rojas’s work (see elephant photo).
Seen the film The Selfish Giant, excellent but bleak, and hugely enjoyed my first trip to the Park Theatre a spit away from Finsbury Park, where I saw the rather wonderful ‘Adult Supervision’, which had a knock out cast, some great writing and lovely direction. I also saw the Gala performance of One Man Two Guvnors – starring my little panto pal Kellie Shirley, who was on fire that night – and a delight to watch – we had posh drinks after in a v dark night club where I kept losing my handbag!

I also attended Nicolas Parsons’ 90th birthday, a celebration that was so lovely it made me cry!
Mind you I cried at Jolene and Kenton’s wedding on the Archers the other week, so fuck knows what’s wrong with me.
Anyway must trot, I am going for a swim – time to tackle the fatness

Laters……

Hello Autumn, should I buy some of those new slipper shoes that are in all the magazines, or shall I just wear my old indoor slippers and never bother going out again?

As I write, the sun is shining and it looks like one of those days you could take a little bouncy dachshund for a walk – but as I have no dog, I don’t need to bother, I can just sit here writing -getting fatter and fatter.

Projects on the go include Grumpy 3 – Fifty Shades of Beige, which has a try out run in November (see website for details) and a series of fifteen minute shorts for Radio 4 – all set in real time, a commission that gives me great joy – having struggled this year to get something off the ground with R4 – I’m really glad they’ve gone for this.

Talking about struggling, I was booked recently (by a v dear family member) to do a talk for the 6th form of a v nice school (no names) – during which I managed to let myself down by balling out a boy who seemed to be yawning in my face. I could never ever be a teacher, not without punching or pinching or telling them to fuck off (which I think I might have done) hey ho.
Would have been better off staying in the Balearics, me and the old man had a wonderful four night trip to Palma, staying in the lovely Hotel Cort (warning – brochure says pool, there is no pool – just a little freezing plunge jobbie on the roof). We saw art and ate and slept in a massive bed and showered in a wet room with the loveliest tiles.

Palma is massively under-rated, go there and make sure you op down the road for lunch in Portoxil, you will thank me, it was the old man’s 65th birthday treat. I also showered him with goodies (inc sourcing a Goodwood Revival ticket via Twitter) plus I took him to se ‘Rush’ the racing driver film – which has two great lead performances and managed to keep both of us gripped – so well done to that little ginger fellow Ron Howard (who used to be in Happy Days) who directed it.

Other cultural highlights this month have included..

- ‘Peckham The Soap Opera’ at The Royal Court – messy (in a good way), massive hearted local theatre transfer from The Bussey Building down the road in Peckham to the Royal Court’s studio.

- Lots of Miro in Palma!

- And on the book front – the disappointing ‘The Silent Wife’ and currently ‘Beautiful Ruins’ by Jess Walters which I’m really enjoying, and to complete my Elizabeth Taylor binge (not that one) I have downloaded a collection of her short stories.

- iPad film rentals for train trips recently have included Gaslight and Angel At My Table – both quite marvellous in v different ways – and made the journey to Newcastle and back pass in minutes.

- Telly wise, the only thing making me laugh out loud is The Great British Bake Off, the one with the pies and tarts had me hooting – kitchen disasters are so much funnier than kitchen triumphs – and this episode proved for once and for all that there is something intrinsically funny about the custard pie! Marvellous.

Bye-bye Edinburgh Festival 2013, it was nice. Actually it was more than nice, I had a ball, apart from a few wobbles and paranoid sweats, it was probably the most mentally together I have ever been at the festival.

Blame it on knowing the show really well, blame it on Karen Koren of The Gilded Balloon taking it upon herself to look after me and put me up in a swanky flat – but really, apart from a couple of nights when I felt I needed to reach down the audiences throats for the laughs, I had a really great time.

Now when I say swanky flat, I mean a massive, two bedroomed great big fuck off apartment, which was so big I got tired walking to the toilet in the middle of the night. Fortunately my bedroom had a free standing bath, so I could always wee in that (I didn’t).

Anyway, here are some photos to make you go green with jealousy, marvel at the height of those ceilings, the sparkle on that chandelier – etc, etc. – imagine weeing in that bath.

Of course, the flat didn’t look that pristine all the time, when Phoebe and her mates came up for four nights it looked like a hostel.

So 16 gigs at The Gilded Balloon,in the Debating Hall, a room that managed to be both massive and sauna-esque. I had three tricky gigs, but only one audience I’d have happily poisoned. There is a showbiz myth that there is no such thing as a bad audience – there is.

One night, in front of a particularly tough front row, I realized I could never be a teacher in a tricky secondary school, the thought of going out every day and seeing the same unresponsive faces would have me coming round from behind the desk and throwing punches, screaming, ‘you can fuck off and you can fuck off’. As I say there was only one audience during the entire run that I could happily have punched in the face. The rest were dreamy.

I was also v lucky with my dressing room flatmates, the Ukulele orchestra of Wellington New Zealand, all twelve of them were glorious and arrived every night in a mish mash of massive silver false eyelashes and home made onesies – some people just add joy to these occasions and this lot were magnificent.

So every night, like everyone else I plied my trade, if you’ve never experienced Edinburgh before, it can be a bit of a mind fuck – the choice of shows is bewildering, the City is built on hills, its easy to fall over on cobbles and these are the lessons that have to be leant afresh every year.

This year I also learnt in the years that I’ve been away or just passing through, Edinburgh has become a foodie city, so many great places to eat, so much fantastic smoked salmon. During the festival the spaces between venues are studded with pop up noodle bars and airstream burger bars – oh yummy, yummy, mc yummy- I have never left Edinburgh so fat.

I could have swum off my pad thais and my burger stacks, in the Bannantynes pool next to my flat – but I went precisely twice and the second time I went I managed to get into a fight with an aqua aerobics fanatic. This got so ugly that when she later asked my friend Judith if I was Jenny Éclair, Judith denied me, she said ‘No’.

Best place to eat this year I reckon is The Outsider on North bridge – just wonderful- there is a table upstairs that more or less overlooks the Tattoo fireworks.

What a stunning city Edinburgh is and during the show time that is August, the place becomes one of the wonders of the world.

Talking shows, I managed to see at least one a day and my top three were

Gecko’s ‘Missing’ at The Pleasance

Louisa Omielan’s “What Would Beyonce Do?’

And Told By An Idiot’s ‘I Could Have Done Better’

I also loved the writing of Ben Moor’s ‘Each of Us’, the quirky oddness of the show in a shed that was ‘Gardening for the Unenlightened and Uninitiated’ and the beautifully lit masterful monologue, ‘Ciarra’ at The Traverse.

To be honest, I saw no real rubbish and even if a couple of things didn’t touch my particular taste buds, they all had something – apart from the Peter Doig at the National Gallery which I thought was awful.

My favourite art show (bar the Man Ray at the portrait gallery) was an installation in a watch tower in the middle of a Burial ground entitled ‘Daughters of Decayed Tradesmen’ it featured the punch cards from old weaving machines.

As you can see I didn’t go and watch much comedy, I don’t think getting jealous of other people’s stuff is healthy, but I did have dinner with Caroline Rhea – who used to play the Aunt in Sabrina the Teenage Witch – and she made me laugh a lot.

As did the two stand ups whose shows I did go and see, Bridget Christie and John Robins.

I wasn’t avoiding stand up shows, I just know all the good comedy shows will be coming to The Soho Theatre over the next few months – anyway the streets were full of old stand up faces and it was genuinely nice to bump into so many old mates and meet some new faces. I did a number of comedy podcasts over the run, Richard Herring’s, an Amnesty gig hosted by Ed Byrne and a lunchtime chat show by Mark Olver, all old chums that it was a pleasure to do business with.

I’d never really bothered downloading any podcasts before but I found that when I was by myself in the vast flat, Richard Herring’s podcast recorded daily at the Stand was the digital equivalent of having a cat, very comforting indeed!

Anyway, last bit of Edinburgh goss, I recorded a fifteen min comedy short for BBC radio 4 – which airs this Friday 23r August and is then available on iPlayer

Enjoy

Cheers, over and out

Hello you lot, are you stewing? I’m basting in my own juices here in South London, ‘oh innit hot’ etc.

Yes, we’re having a heat-wave – mind you by the time I get round to getting this up on the website, no doubt it will have all ended in tears, peeling and electrical thunderstorms , ‘oh innit hot’ ( repeats x 100).

I’m too fat for it and that’s official, it’s the HRT, I’m a much nicer person, but I’m a hefty old bag and come the Autumn I’m going to have to take myself in hand – massive hand.

Anyway, all is ok, apart from the fact I’ve lost my Filofax, have you see it? Please look under your bed, behind the sofa, in the boot of your car – I lost it somewhere between a hire car, Exeter and Cornwall and I have cried a lot.

I know, no-one else still uses a Filofax, but I do, it’s pale blue leather and it bulges with old photos and mementos and phone numbers and addresses of people I never see any more/old friends, dead friends, I miss it and I keep seeing the thing in my mind’s eye, it should be here on my desk, full of scribbled dates and notes and it isn’t, ‘waaaagh- waaaaagh’.

Anyway, I’ve had some lovely gigs, thank you Exeter and Falmouth and Kendal and basically everywhere I’ve played by water/sea/river/lake that has been nice and sunny over the last month, cheers.

BOATS ON LAKE WINDERMERE

Gigs can turn into holidays really easily and after the gig in Falmouth, me and the old man stayed down in Cornwall in our mates bungalow in Rock. Ah Cornwall, where we got claggy in our creases sitting on the sand at Daymer Beach, where we saw old mates in St Ives and I tried to get a walk on part in Doc Martin which is filmed in Port Isaac (my mate is the set designer). I didn’t get any extra work but I did eat lobster in the pub overlooking the harbour.

LOBSTER LUNCH

But best food of the trip was at the Porthmeor café in St Ives, one of my favourite places to have lunch in the world, especially on days when the view looks like this.

PORTHMEOR CAFÉ VIEW

Big nod too, to the Exeter Magdalen chapter Hotel, which I’ve raved about before, casually madly elegant, its my all time end of tour treat and is worth many nights in poxy B and b’s to make up for the extravagance.

So Tour Eclairious now goes to Edinburgh for a couple of weeks (2^nd- 17^th Aug @ 7.30pm Gilded Balloon Teviot Debating Hall £13.50 ( £12.50) – You can book tickets from gildedballoon.co.uk.

Business stuff done, family stuff to report, the girl got her degree a couple of weeks ago, she actually left uni two years ago, but it takes forever for Oxford to organize these things, anyway it was v nice and completely in Latin

Here are the three of us post the ceremony at the Sheldonian

GRADUATION

Lunch after at Quod, which is where we always went when she was a student, felt a bit nostalgic, then got a parking ticket – which put a sock in the nostalgia.

For everyone who whinnies on about Oxbridge and privilege, I’d just like to say, she lived in slum conditions for three years and worked her arse off. I didn’t go, her dad didn’t go- in fact I went to drama school and he went to art school, so it was all her doing and I am proud of the fact she is clever and funny.

Talking of clever and funny, I judged a local dog show – round the corner and down the hill from where I live, I was choosing Best in Show and this was my favourite.

BEST IN SHOW

Yes a Bedlington terrier, how delicious – his name is Ralph.

ART and THEATRE  wise have seen loads, The Alternative Guide To The Universe at the Hayward, is knockout, simply knockout – a glorious, sad, mad show of eccentricity, really shouldn’t be missed if you’re in London this summer.

I also loved the crowd pleaser at Dulwich Picture gallery, ‘A Crisis of Brilliance’ is just that – some great work by some fantastic artists, most of whom were tortured souls (proper artists then!) who ended up shooting or gassing themselves.

The Pavillion at the Serpentine this year is quite good fun – a giant climbing frame, which you’re actually allowed to climb!

SERPENTINE PAVILLION

The show at the gallery however is rubbish, as is the current exhib at The Tate St Ives (what a mess this gallery is).

But I do recommend the Caulfield/ Hume exhib at Tate Britain in Pimlico, even though I think Caulfield makes Hume look scrappy.

Theatre wise, I’ve been really lucky, not seen a dud in the last month, loved the production of Doug Lucies 1981 drama ‘Hard Feelings’ which was beautifully re-done at The Finborough Theatre and also really enjoyed ‘Mint’ at The Royal Court.

The Royal Court has been doing some extraordinary stuff this summer, under the new direction of Vicky Feathersone – including a five min a night Peckham Sopa Opera, performed in an old cricket bat Factory, ‘The Bussey in Peckham’ – which the graduate daughter, being a Peckham resident, stuck her nose into and snuck herself a tiny part. The show will have a two week run in the Royal Court Studio in September.

In other theatrical news, my hula hoop has been on stage with Toby Jones, Fenella Woolgar and Celia Imrie in ‘Circle Mirror Transformation’ – yeah – wonder if – ( like the Filofax), I’ll ever see it again.

Right…… lunch

Hello yes, I’ve been most remiss, but the last blog was so exciting I didn’t want to let you down with dreary tales of nothing.

Summer in Dulwich Park

As it happens, it’s been a busy and fairly productive start to the summer. We have cast Grumpy 3 and will be doing a weeks worth of try out gigs in October – with me, Susie Blake and Kate Robbins – there should be some ace photos from the shoot we did the other week available to show you soon. Anyway, its exciting and hard work but we have a first draft of both acts 1 and 2 almost ready for a read through – nearly!

I’ve had lots of nice gigs recently and lots of travel, from Whitby to the Isle of Wight to Inverness, I was ill as soon as I got back from the Inverness trip and spent two days shivering in my bed. I was only just well enough to make it down to the ‘Tipping Point’ studios – do try and win some money for Kids Company, the children’s charity based nearby in Peckham. Can’t tell you how I did, til it goes out!!

Isle of Wight

Me and tour manager Chris George also had a blissful weekend in Wales, where we had a freebie night staying at my sisters holiday place.

Indoor and outdoor – her valley is v green

I’m getting good at keeping secrets, I managed to film Apprentice You’re Fired two days before transmission and still keep my trap shut as to who got fired. I didn’t see the edited show, but I have a feeling some of my harsher comments on how the girls this year look like pole dancers may have been cut. My tirade against stupid shoes – did make the edit however and I got a lot of flattie support on twitter, ‘you know the low makes sense girls’.

Did a stint on The One Show to drum up tour business, had a lovely time with Fern Britten and Mary McCartney who incidentally is our new Grump Kate Robinson’s cousin – maybe the whole clan will come and see the show and Stella McCartney will want to do the costumes….maybe?

Anyway, I’ve got plenty on my plate at the moment, lots of writing jobs inc occasionally sitting on the Radio Times sofa for Sarah Millican while Sarah does does her telly shows, writing a short story for Radio 4 and continuing to attempt various telly projects.

The Hrt continues to make me feel tons happier, though I do worry about the side effects and will be going back to the docs for a three month review, think I might be addicted already! Whoops. People are v divided on this issue and its terrifying to face people who genuinely think what you’re doing is crazy.

On the culture side, Ive been v good indeed, lots of art – you must go to Tate Britain for the walk through 500 yrs of british art (don’t worry you can do it in under an hour – just march past the bits you don’t like) its superb.

Tate Britain

Also saw a Calder exhib (inventor of the modern mobileb – sweet), an ace Chuck Close at the White Cube (fabulous gallery) and am now really looking forward to the Gary Hume/Patrick Caulfied – again at Tate Britain – which is having a bit of a hay day. Also a good exhib at Dulwich this month with Nash and Gwen Johns et el.

Theatre wise I’ve seen my very own daughter’s self penned ten minute piece of theatrical magic ‘Mrs Spine’ at the Old Red Lion in Islington – most excellent obv! Phoebe has a longer piece going on at The Bush in July (a one night, competition runner up prize) I shall be on the front row.

I’ve also seen ‘Passion Play’ (excellent production, superb acting but a slightly misogynistic core) in the West End and ‘Playing with Grown Ups’, at Theatre 503 who have the sense to do a 5pm Sunday matinee – what a great idea – this was a really enjoyable 90mins – which deserved a bigger crowd. I went with the v naughty actress Lizzie Roper who makes me howl. Also saw ‘Murder Marple and Me’ performed by my old friend Jan Prince and directed by another old mate Stella Duffy – I went along with an even older mate – my ancient mucker Julie Balloo – of course we nearly missed the show because we were yattering in Pret, then I thought I’d lost my cardigan, generally we were behaving like daft old bags. Anyway we really enjoyed the show – a fascinating tale of Margaret Rutherford’s dark past, acted with much gusset and gusto by the wonderful Ms Prince.

Anyway, we’ve got steak tonight and I need a bath – so I shall love you and leave you, laters.

Oh BOOKS!
Have slightly fallen for the novelist Elizabeth Taylor (not that one – google her). But I am now reading the new Curtis Sittenfeld ‘Sisterland’ whoop.

Which reminds me, I shall take it into the bath with me this minute.